What Happens When You Jump

April 15, 2009
The night I slept on the roof, Barbara, who had just returned from being away for some days had come up to the roof to check the tinaco to see if it had water in it. We talked and she told me she had just come from a vision quest (”la visiona” it [...]

Every feeling I have I want to feel now, as it appears.
For who knows?
It could be this feeling is of dying.
I could be dying.
And I know I want to be aware when I die.
Therefore I want to feel every feeling as it occurs.

I asked for things to crumble, but I thought it would be with the security of “knowing” something, which would be a rail to clutch as all dissolved and swirled into the next right thing. I have been experiencing again how much I struggle to hold on when something is trying to die (change).
How many [...]

I’m reading the Dalai Llama’s book on the Art of Happiness. Now he’s talking about compassion and intimacy. Every subject is a blank slate for me. I am uncomfortably aware of the lack of compassion I approach others and ESPECIALLY myself with. I am trying to cultivate this. I suppose it’s “fake it till you [...]

Summer 2008
I have to say the truth, dear Presence:
My way is not fun, creative, nourishing. It’s tiring, stress, fear and worry producing, boring, monotonous, lacking in fun, spontaneity, warmth, adventure. The rule “I can’t be with people till I get every idea done” keeps me inside, driving, buying, alone, grim, angry.
I don’t know what to [...]

I am aware today that I am living as though I am dying. Sometimes people seem uncomfortable when I communicate this and quickly interject, “But you’re not dying!” The truth is, I don’t know how much time I have. And so, I am living as though I am dying. It strikes me that to live [...]